Nine Years......speed past us so FAST!!!!!!!!!!

Miracle, beauty, pain, exhaustion, bliss, and terror.........................

For the record, I was not a born again Christian at this time in my life, nor was I married. God used this miracle as the foundations to a faith that would later become my strongest relationship and the greatest of all loves that I had ever known.

Nine years ago today at 130pm I was sitting in the waiting room of the specialist. I had blown up 100 lbs in just under 6 weeks. I was exhausted, I was in such pain..............I get into the room, after they analyzed my urine and blood pressure the doctor came into our room. Well, here's the deal, they proteins in your urine are higher than I have ever seen, especially in a young woman of 20 (I had just turned twenty exactly one month prior). Your blood pressure is tooo high. The weight gain is severe. Blood tests are negative (in my head I am now getting mad, just get to the point....) So I need to do a check...(what! What does this mean a check...) An internal....ok I say!

Well, this guy decides to try and break my waters.......(without so much as telling me) I could lie and say I was calm and ok....But I cannot....I yelled out curse words left right and centre! I was soooo mad! Then he calmly sits down and tells us, that I and the baby are in danger, toxemia.... and the only way to help us is to deliver my baby. In shock...he hands me the note for the maternity nurses.. I will meet you at the hospital, with in the hour. Do not go home go straight in. Stacey....I smile weakly and say no problem....in the elevator down to the main floor....I am terrified. I am only 34 weeks...my baby is not big enough. My babies lungs are not developed.....I am confused....

I pick up the payphone in the Lobby.....
Mom, there's been a wee bit of a problem. They say I and the baby are in danger....toxic......(now the tears are flowing hot, steady stream down my cheeks....)
Stacey, Its gonna be alright. What do they want to do....
They are inducing me, I have a note, orders to go there right now............(now bawling.) Mom....I cant do this. I am not ready. We have no clothes...we have not gotten ready....its toooo sooon!
Stacey, you listen to me its gonna be alright. I am gonna come there right aways. You do what they say. Calm down and relax. I love you.

I get outside, in a panic. I fumble through my purse...thoughts reeling, emotions going on high......I pluck the smoke out of its package (a habit that I could not even break during pregnancy on my own).....I inhale....and start to feel like an outsider watching someone else's life. I read about this in the books. This is dangerous......I am not gonna do it. I am going home...they cannot make me have my baby....irrational I know...but I was soooo scared......

Slowly, I walk the block to the Hospital. The big doors seemed enormous.....up to registration, they are waiting upstairs in maternity for you, a bed is already for you. The nurse smiles....her face looks radiant....I smile but inside I want to scream...This cant be happening I had a good pregnancy up till 4 weeks ago...I barely gained any weight.....I  I I I I.....elevator goes up there's the beep are you ready he says....I say with my mouth yes...inside I am screaming NO!

Here we go.....Hello Stacey we have a bed ready for you, here's your gown.....hooks me up to the monitors. Then the iv's...one for just an open line. One for the Oxytocin drip....you should have contractions soon....this will jump start your body. We are sorry but you may only have water in small quantities...nothing else ok!
Again the radiant smiles, trying to be reassuring.....I am watching....

Three hours..I am in a room with two moms, and their beautiful full term babies. Contractions steady some hard some not...now the blood pressure needs to be managed watched more closely, its getting to high...move me into a private room, nurses, interns, nurses. Now my contractions are getting a wee harder. They are not waiting we must be in full labour soon. Then they put what looks like a tampon on my cervix, don't worry it wont hurt a bit...(right, lies lies lies!)
Wow, contractions so hard with in ten minutes, I cannot catch my breath...I cannot breath the pain is so severe I am thrust into almost sheer madness. I cannot even hear myself think....Please Please
Blood pressure shoots up..Doctors scrambling...I am at the highest dosage safe... They have to do an epidural....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The pain from keeping scrunched is horrid....ahhhhh I can still feel the pain but not as intense...The sun outside my window is gone...Its now thundering, lighting and pouring rain.....I think wow, matches how I feel so perfectly.
Its now almost ten...my labour is not progressing.....They will put the thing back on my cervix and increase again my oxytocin. Nothing is working. I feel groggy, loopy....I fall asleep for a short time...now I can feel the contractions they are hard....check, I am dialated only about three or four....

Now its 330am....They need to break my waters.....( what an odd feeling, its like a wellspring that bursts out in a fountain...so odd I think)......Should be farther along they say...the nurse comes in at about 430am with  a stack of papers... you need to sign theses. They are releases...What I am confused what are they...I don't understand...please call my mom.....
Its 330am in BC, she is asleep...she answers the phone...I am crying I am confused she says its gonna be alright put the nurse on....the nurse decides to take the phone call at the nurses station.....after what seems like an eternity my mom is on the phone. I can hear something wrong..I can hear the quiver in her voice. I ask, mom....She quickly and steady says. I love you, you sign the papers with the X, don't worry. I love you I am on the bus at 730...I am on my way. No matter what know I am there with you and I love you! After I sign the papers, I call again...Mom, what did I sign....
She sighed, quivering voice, a long breath....some were for permission for surgery, some were for not holding the hospital liable.......she takes long breath...the pause was so loud I wanted to scream....Stacey you also signed for the do not resuscitate.....for the baby...to save your life first!
I am in utter shock. I am livid....I ask why....
Don't hate me but I know you would have chosen your baby first, any mother would. But my love you can always have another baby. There is only one you. If we lose you.....now I hear her voice, she cannot hide her crying. She repeats she loves me...I tell her I love her...hang up the phone and just cry....how can she do that...how can I not save my baby....this is serious....I am I could die....

I am really scared now...my room is so dim, I am all alone....the storms still rages, its beating on the window pane....it matches the anguish, the angry and the confusion. Apparently the cocktail of all the meds, the epidural and all really makes you mixed up.....

630 am....The doctor comes in. He sits beside me after checkin me out. His face looks ashy, he has a grim face now...something must be really wrong....

At 7 am we will begin prepping you. We put the epidural into your back at 8pm last night, we don't have any longer, we are risking infection, your blood pressure isn't stabalizing even with medication...he clears his throat, (like his words are so foul he has to choke them, almost spewing them out) you are going for an emergency c- section...you have already signed all the paper work, we are going to work as quickly as possible to save you both. We are going to be putting you to sleep. There's no other way....He is not even looking at me now, I feel the tears rolling down like lightening bolts hitting the ground in the middle of the storm. He says I am sorry but this is the safest way. We need to do this....I nod, I say ok, I say I understand....

I am angry, in my head, I am yelling out asking the Universe why why why why...........................

Then at 6:45 am, I get this excruciating pain...I think my catheter has busted, something's wrong....I buzz the button a nurse comes in, I tell her what's wrong she says no worries the nurse is coming to prep you, she will do a thorough check and fix it all up....she is on her way.

She comes in and does a check....her face is in utter shock..I say whats wrong did it rupture something......????????????

She says no, don't move at all or maybe no please roll on to your side...she is now hitting the button on the wall. She smiles and looks at me...We don't need to prep you for emergency...we need to prep you for delivery that is your babies head cause all of that pain...............Doctors flood my room, checking me, machines...the put the machine that hooks up to my heart all the dot things that glue themselves to your chest. They are prepping the neonatal unit at the foot of my bed....I am scared, exhilarated...confused....now they are prepping me for the risks...

We need your delivery to go as fast as humanly possible Stacey, you will not be able to hold your baby, the baby may not cry, the baby will need help to breath. We will do everything we can which means the focus on the neonatal team is for the life of your baby. Our teams focus in on saving your life...your blood pressure is above 200/130....you are at max for meds. We have the anesthesiologist coming to give you an immediate dose through your epidural...it may not work at all its been in far to long.....do you understand....

(Good Grief...do I understand, its sound like we are both gonna die....its sound like even if I live my baby will die, no I don't freaking understand (insert a lot of curse words) mind you not one word was uttered from my lips, just inside) Yes, I understand.

8 am You have to push Stacey, do not breath do not do anything but push....I cant I cant I cant....(now the doctor was yelling at me, cursing he sounds scared he sounds worried, God am I dying????????)

Get her leg push as far back towards her head as you can go....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh the pain excruciating nauseating what just happened.........and then a release................within moments I heard her cry, loud and proud almost as if to say Mom, I am here...I am here! They put my legs down...the epidural now kicks in...which is good because then that mammoth of a placenta came....almost three times the size of my baby. The terror was in an instant gone...I heard her...before I even saw her I was in love, knowing that this baby was my life. She is mine....love, gratefulness....

I wanted a pic of that placenta (at the time my sister was 15 and had an older boyfriend.....I wanted to blow up the pic for her......) What seemed like forever was moments and they asked would you like to meet your daughter? With smiles like the sunrise...but only for a minute they need to take her upstairs...she was placed in my arms. She weighed 4.9lbs so tiny, so fragile, she was covered in the white stuff...my heart was swelling with love and adoration.

 I looked into her eyes and whispered...no matter what my love you and I will make it. No matter what! They took her up to neonatal...



Thank you for reading about how my beautiful, gorgeous, God's miracle, a blessing and my first best wonderful child came into this world....

God knew what he was doing, He was giving me all of the evidence...

May you be blessed today and be a blessing to others.
Stacey Homemaker~